rambling about my feelings Color Palette

02.23.22 i want to be an academic and i want to know what i love inside out and i want to read everything ive ever wanted to read and i want to connect. to feel the expected emotions, to relate to everyone whos ever read what i skim in the library. i feel so confined by my birth. i am white trash and i will probably end up working factories or on construction like the rest of my family and i will rent my apartment alone and keep the yellow lights and the grease stained fleece and the bare white walls. i sometimes feel like giving in to the familiar childhood comfort. ive never felt quite connected to it anyways. always high expectations everyone else could see from the floor. ive tried to paint myself above it all and i know im not but my heart feels so misplaced. i deserve stability and a nice library and to curate heartache between pages and live in the words its what i want. it feels weird though. like because people dont really see me as white trash they are stunned to find out my real place in life. i am too. it kinda feels like i shouldnt have been born this way. i could still be me, except with a trust and a means to materialize these cravings. i feel like im stuck in a limbo. deemed too good by my family and not even close to enough for the dreams i have. im determined to try to pull it off, an attempt is better than nothing. but i cant help but worry over the what ifs, and the possibility of dealing with my own disappointment. i always imagine weird escapism daydreams to keep myself from gettinf all worked up about it. but even if i was taken in by some cool philanthropists and given a shot at college and the chance to devote my life to the things i love id still feel so guilty to leave it all behind. i dont know if i could do it, id probably get in my own head. everytime i think about this stuff i feel my throat close. i kinda wish i had someone to encourage me who i really believed. but i have myself and thats all ill ever be guaranteed and im content with it

Colors in Palette